STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION "The Outrageous Okona" #40272-130 Premise by Les Menchen & Lance Dickson and David Landsberg Teleplay by Burton Armus Directed by Robert Becker THE WRITING CREDITS MAY NOT BE FINAL AND SHOULD NOT BE USED FOR PUBLICITY OR ADVERTISING PURPOSES WITHOUT FIRST CHECKING WITH THE TELEVISION LEGAL DEPARTMENT. Copyright 1988 Paramount Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved. This script is not for publication or reproduction. No one is authorized to dispose of same. If lost or destroyed, please notify the Script Department. FINAL DRAFT OCTOBER 4, 1988 STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - CAST STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION "The Outrageous Okona" CAST PICARD THADIUN OKONA RIKER THE COMIC DATA DEBIN PULASKI KUSHELL TROI BENZAN GEORDI YANAR WORF WESLEY GUINAN TRANSPORTER CHIEF (B.G. ROBINSON) Non-Speaking CREWMEMBERS TWO SECURITY OFFICERS AUDIENCE Voice-Over COMPUTER VOICE STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - SETS STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION "The Outrageous Okona" SETS INTERIORS EXTERIORS USS ENTERPRISE USS ENTERPRISE MAIN BRIDGE AFT STATIONS - ERSTWHILE MISSION CONTROL PANEL TRANSPORTER ROOM TWO OTHER SPACECRAFT TRANSPORTER PAD MAIN ENGINEERING JEFFERIES TUBE CORRIDOR TEN-FORWARD CORRIDOR - OUTSIDE HOLODECK HOLODECK (NIGHTCLUB) B.G. ROBINSON'S QUARTERS OBSERVATION LOUNGE DEBIN CRAFT MAIN BRIDGE STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - TEASER 1. STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION "The Outrageous Okona" TEASER FADE IN: 1 EXT. SPACE - THE ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) as it moves through space at impulse speed PICARD (V.O.) Captain's log, Stardate 42502.7. We are traveling in the Omega Twelve System traversing between a clustering of small planets that form the coalition of Madena VI. 2 INT. MAIN BRIDGE We see the complement of people who normally make up the bridge crew. DATA and WESLEY at the front consoles controlling CONN and OPS. RIKER sits on one side of PICARD at the Command Area, the opposite seat empty, WORF stands near the Science Stations which are manned by n.d. crewmembers. PICARD (V.O.) (continuing) Each of these planets is populated by separate humanoid people who co-exist and trade technology and minerals under a precarious but successful treaty. 3 AFT STATIONS - MISSION CONTROL PANEL An ALERT SIGNAL FLASHES on the screen. The science crewmember looks up to Worf who steps to the panel, checks it and then announces. WORF We have an unidentified vessel approaching. RIKER Give me grid markers. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - TEASER 2. 3 CONTINUED: WORF Sector three-nine-five-six, mark zero-nine-one. The personnel on the bridge show little emotion but you can sense a little stiffening of their posture, a glint of expectation in Worf's eyes. Picard sits coolly and observes his well-tuned crew handling the situation. 4 ANGLE ON SCIENCE SCREEN - INTERCUTS AS NEEDED Lines start to form the three dimensions blueprint of a space vehicle, at first very sparse and then filling quickly as more information runs through the computers and information bands run across the lower portion of the screen. DATA Sensor readings place overall dimension of vehicle an interplanetary cargo ship. WORF One life sign on board, appears to be humanoid. In the b.g. we see TROI exit the turbolift and take her place quietly beside Picard. DATA A vessel of that size usually maintains a crew of six. WORF Minimum armament present. DATA Sensors show cargo holds are empty. WORF The course is inconsistent with normal cargo routes. RIKER This could be a primitive method to elude detection. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - TEASER 3. 5 SCIENCE SCREEN The three-dimensional schematic slowly revolves around the screen showing all angles of the unidentified craft. An alert RED DOT BLINKS on the interior of part of the live blueprint and a band of continuing detail specifications rolls across the lower portion of the screen. DATA Readout shows a burnout in inertial guidance system... RIKER The pilot is attempting to hold his vessel in check manually. WORF That could be a pretense. 6 ON PICARD He speaks calmly. PICARD Captain's log, supplemental. We have just encountered and identified an interplanetary cargo vessel which is apparently in need of emergency assistance. We will make every effort to do so. (beat) Open hailing frequencies. WORF Hailing frequencies open. PICARD This is the USS Enterprise. Captain Jean-Luc Picard, over. A pleasant male voice with the touch of laughter and humor in it comes over the speakers. OKONA'S COM VOICE And this is the cargo ship Erstwhile "limping" and "skidding" off course. Captain Okona at your service. As you see, there is no need for phasers, Captain. I'm harmless and not quite ready yet for mercy killing. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - TEASER 4. 6 CONTINUED: PICARD You were never considered a danger to us, Captain Okona. OKONA'S COM VOICE It's a shame. I can remember when I was at least considered a "risk." There is a moment of silence, then the sound of Okona's laughter, which builds and becomes infectious. At first it puzzles the Enterprise crew, then the laughter catches hold and slight smiles begin to break the tension. WORF The ship is in viewer range now, Captain. PICARD Main Viewer on. 7 ON MAIN VIEWER (OPTICAL) We now see the image of the man, his face slightly turned from the screen and not clearly showing. His joviality continues, and although more subdued, seems to be just as contagious. OKONA I'm the owner and operator of this craft and since we both know you scanned my vessel, you know I'm alone and empty... (smile) ... and it's truly a rare occasion for a man of my charm, beauty and talent. Okona mocks his own arrogance with his spontaneous laughter. His humorous jab at himself takes the bite off the remark. 8 CLOSER ON MAIN VIEWER - OKONA (OPTICAL) Turns his smile full face to the Main Viewer. He has the look of a hero, the twinkle in the steely blue eyes softening the rugged handsomeness of the man. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - TEASER 5. 8 CONTINUED: OKONA But then with the condition of this vessel I'm glad I have no responsibilities except for myself till I can get some repairs. 9 INT. MAIN BRIDGE (OPTICAL) Picard turns to Troi. PICARD Counselor, can you read him? TROI His emotions suggest that he is mischievous, irreverent and somewhat brazen. (beat) And some other things... (unsure) The word that seems to describe him best is "rogue." DATA Rogue? Accessing "rogue." (kicks in) Cad, knave, rake, rascal, scoundrel, villain. TROI Yes, all of that, but he shows no malevolence, or ill will. Picard turns back to the viewscreen. PICARD What form of assistance can we offer you, Captain? OKONA I had a burnout on my guidance system. I'd appreciate it if I could use your facilities to repair it. WESLEY It would be possible. PICARD Estimate, Mister Data. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - TEASER 6. 9 CONTINUED: DATA Time for repair would be seven hours sixteen minutes. RIKER Okona will have to shut down while we verify specifications. Picard holds a few beats, then issues his orders. PICARD Lieutenant Worf, prepare security procedures. (to Okona) We can accommodate you. WORF I'll allow him limited access. RIKER If you'll prepare to shut down your engines we'll lock on tractors and beam you aboard. OKONA Many thanks, Captain Picard. RIKER Transporter Chief, prepare to beam aboard from Tractor lock bearing. The well-modulated female voice of the TRANSPORTER CHIEF, B.G. ROBINSON, answers. B.G. ROBINSON'S COM VOICE Yes Number One, at your command. OKONA Is that a woman's voice I hear? PICARD Yes. Now please follow the directions of Commander Riker so our ship can get back to its normal routine. Riker smiles as he moves away. Picard notices. PICARD (continuing) Something funny, Commander Riker. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - TEASER 7. 9 CONTINUED: (2) RIKER The unexpected, like what's happening now, IS our normal routine. Picard muses for a beat, a slight nod shows his agreement. FADE OUT. END OF TEASER STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT ONE 8. ACT ONE FADE IN: 10 EXT. SPACE - THE ENTERPRISE / THE ERSTWHILE (OPTICAL) As the Erstwhile creeps closer and closer to its docking berth, the vastness of the surrounding starfield framing it with brilliance as the two contrasting sized crafts seem to float closer and closer. RIKER (O.S.) Hold it steady, Wesley. We're ready to link up. On my command... WESLEY (O.S.) Aye Number One. The Erstwhile reaches the proper point of contact. RIKER (O.S.) Easy... easy... (beat) Engage. Shut down engines, Captain Okona. A laser-like RED BEAM shoots from the Enterprise and locks into the nose of the Erstwhile and holds it there in a stationary position. The Erstwhile shuts down. 11 INT. MAIN BRIDGE With the same crew intact except for Worf. Riker is in his command position. He rises from his position. RIKER Transporter Room proceed with Beaming Operation. I'm on my way. B.G. ROBINSON'S COM VOICE Yes, Commander. Riker, Wesley and Data move to the turbolift and enter. The door slides shut behind them. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT ONE 9. 12 INT. TRANSPORTER ROOM Worf and TWO SECURITY MEN bracket the very feminine and graciously endowed Transporter Commander B.G. Robinson. Everything she has two of are perfectly matched, coordinated, and move with a wonderful grace that is called "woman." B.G. goes through the procedures of the transfer in her usual professional manner. 13 TRANSPORTER PAD (OPTICAL) The heroic visage of Okona MATERIALIZES and smiles down at the Group assembled. He is dressed in a loose-fitting, open-necked blouse, wide belt and casual looking pants, his look is in opposition to the well-tailored Enterprise crewmembers. His sidearms are also less sophisticated and are tucked into his waistband. The malfunctioning guidance mechanism swings nonchalantly from the burnt-out wires in his grasp. Riker nods to Worf who steps forward. WORF Your weapons, please. 14 CLOSER ANGLE Okona and Worf study each other openly, that brief moment of tension when two strong men measure each other. Okona, still with a trace of a smile on his face, diminishes some of the apprehension and gives in to Worf's stature without surrendering.. OKONA You're the tough one on this ship. The muscle man. WORF Security. OKONA That's the usual name for warriors nowadays. Okona unclips a belt and hands over all his weapons... Worf still stands there... Okona's smile broadens and he reaches behind his back and slips out a long heavy knife. He hands that to Worf, hilt first. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT ONE 10. 14 CONTINUED: OKONA (continuing) It's more of a piece of jewelry than a weapon. A remembrance. Worf accepts the excuse and the knife calmly, admires its weight, balance, and sharpness. WORF It will be returned when you leave. Riker steps forward away from Data and Wesley, extends his hand. Geordi is also in the room. RIKER Welcome aboard, Captain Okona. I'm Commander Riker. (shakes hands) If you turn over the inoperative part to Lieutenant La Forge he'll begin repairs. OKONA I'd be most happy to do the work myself, I'm sort of a "hands on" type... WORF That will not be permitted. OKONA Can I at least watch? Maybe offer some suggestions? RIKER I think that could be arranged... Geordi moves closer to Riker to accept the broken part. Okona, with a twinkle in his eye, reaches around him and hands it to a rather shocked Wesley. OKONA Here you are, Lieutenant. I leave it in your capable hands. WESLEY (reacts) No, this is Lieutenant La Forge, I'm only an ensign. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT ONE 11. 14 CONTINUED: (2) OKONA Well ensigns have names, don't they? WESLEY Wesley... Wesley Crusher.. OKONA (enjoying himself) Nice to meet you Ensign "Wesley Wesley" Crusher. Accepts, Wesley smiles and shakes his hand. Geordi nods his greeting to Okona, takes the damaged part from Wesley; but before he can say anything, Okona has moved across the room to face B.G. Robinson. 15 FEATURING OKONA AND B.G. Okona stands directly in front of her, leans forward and blocks her view of anything but him. He looks her directly in the eyes, gets her full attention, then slowly and with great gentleness takes a few wayward strands of her hair and tucks it back behind her ear as he speaks softly to her. OKONA And thank you for beaming me here and inviting me to see a truly beautiful woman. (touches her chin) You have the majestic carriage and loveliness that could surely be traced back to the noble families who once ruled romantic lands with benevolent and tender hands. B.G. smiles openly and knowingly, but plays along... and Okona develops a hurt look. His eyes continue to show his humor. B.G. ROBINSON I'm sure you said that to many ladies and it was no more true then, than it is now. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT ONE 12. 15 CONTINUED: OKONA Of course, (beat) But it's how I say it that's most important. The feeling, the warmth, the attraction I have for you, (soft beat) the attraction that we share. B.G. stares at him for a few beats, then throws back her head and laughs at his absolute but charming brashness. B.G. ROBINSON I haven't heard that approach in years... it is refreshing... Okona laughs with her. He knows he's got her now. 16 ANGLES ON RIKER, DATA, WORF AND GEORDI As they watch Okona whispering to B.G., Riker is appreciating the showmanship and charisma of Okona. Geordi, glancing over at the transporter station from time to time and recognizing the situation. Data merely observes all without any reactions. Riker comments: RIKER Mister Okona seems to have excellent vision and a healthy libido. WORF Which could add to the security problem. I'll supervise him closely. GEORDI (aware) I'm sure you will, Worf. Riker turns away to cover his smile, tells Okona: RIKER If you'll follow Lieutenant La Forge, we'll get right to work. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT ONE 13. 17 SCENE Okona reluctantly breaks away from the beautiful B.G. with a laugh and a squeeze of her hand. As he passes Data's inquiring eyes, he comments playfully. OKONA Now isn't that a beautifully formed picture of sex appeal? Data glances from B.G. to Okona with a somewhat puzzled expression. DATA I do not know what you mean. (beat; then explains) I am an android. 18 CLOSER ANGLE - WALK AND TALK For the first time Okona is quiet, but then he quickly recovers with a smile and his usual glibness. OKONA Well then... Have you seen any great looking computers lately? Riker, Wesley, Worf, and Geordi break up. Data stares from one to the other with a blank look on his face. Okona eyes Data. OKONA (continuing) That's a joke. (beat) It's funny. DATA (still oblivious, but covering) Yes, of course it is. They continue to walk down the corridor, the look on Data's face showing his insecurity. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT ONE 14. 19 INT. MAIN ENGINEERING - JEFFERIES TUBE Geordi and Okona handle the damaged mechanism while Wesley works on something in the lower platform of the tube. Wesley can see and hear the conversation. Okona is quite knowledgeable in this field although limited to his particular spacecraft. Geordi is more interested in how he can improve the navigation tool. GEORDI It's the Zelebium contacts that wore down and then fused. Why not replace them with Tricellite? OKONA Tricellite isn't available in this system. It wouldn't be available to me if I have to replace it. GEORDI I don't think your spacecraft will outlast the part. Okona glances at Geordi with the usual twinkle in his eye and the trace of a smile on his face that is always ready to broaden. OKONA (smiles) You mean the age of it or the way I fly it? GEORDI The stress test shows that you tend to push it beyond its designed capabilities. OKONA Lieutenant La Forge, I've never been told that I'm somewhat reckless in a kinder, or more gentlemanly manner; but since the pattern of my life has relegated me to interplanetary speed deliveries rather than universal exploration, I'm forced to add a flamboyancy and a zest to the doldrums of my existence. Geordi laughs. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT ONE 15. 20 ANGLE DOWN THE TUBE - TO INCLUDE ALL Wesley looks up at Okona with some admiration. WESLEY Captain Okona, I don't know whether I'd rather take a flight with you or listen to you talk. Okona roars. OKONA Thank you Ensign Crusher, Crusher. WESLEY (getting into it) It's Wesley, Wesley. OKONA I'll make it easy on both of us. I'll just call you Tiger. 21 NEW ANGLE Data has entered Engineering in time to hear the end of the conversation. DATA Captain Picard is not fond of nicknames. OKONA Your gallant Captain Picard. I'd like to meet him... I'll stroll on the bridge and say hello. DATA You are not permitted on the bridge. You are restricted to your quarters or the Ten-Forward lounge unless escorted by a crewmember. OKONA (shrugs) I've broken some small rules before. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT ONE 16. 21 CONTINUED: GEORDI You do and besides the bells and lights that will go off, our benevolent and kindly Lieutenant Worf will offer you a new kind of greeting. OKONA Well then, would you escort me to C deck? Geordi studies Okona for a beat, then nods his approval. GEORDI I'm busy rebuilding your ship. Wesley ducks down the Jefferies Tube. Okona glances over to Data, smiles his best. OKONA Then Mister Data sir, I would feel privileged if you allow me to be in your company while you escort me to my destination... Geordi laughs... Data nods. Okona nods, looks a little speculative. 22 INT. CORRIDOR Okona and the stolid Data walk down the hallway with Data slightly in the lead. Okona keeps peeking at Data but takes a beat or two before he speaks. Then he finally does. OKONA You ever been cold? DATA No. OKONA How about warm? DATA The temperature on this vessel is regulated to within a fraction of a degree of the perfect comfort range. I am also able to react to any changes just as a humanoid. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT ONE 17. 22 CONTINUED: They continue their silent walk. OKONA How about drunk? Ever do that? DATA That is not possible. One moment. Data stops dead in his tracks and runs through his program. Only his eyes show a sort of blinking symbol as he checks out his circuits for the answer. DATA (continuing) I was correct. I am not designed to react to any synthenol intake but apparently it is possible for me to become intoxicated. OKONA I don't understand that at all. DATA It seems that I have been adapting some human peculiarities over the last three tours of duty. OKONA What about love? DATA The act or the emotion? OKONA They're both the same to me. DATA I believe that deduction to be inaccurate. OKONA Maybe. A sudden sadness comes to his eyes, then is quickly replaced as he takes Data by the arm and continues his walk down the corridor in feigned seriousness. OKONA (continuing) Life is like loading twice your cargo weight on your spacecraft... if it's canaries and you can keep half of them flying all the time, you're all right. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT ONE 18. 23 ON DATA He stares at Okona with a blank look ignoring the laughter that follows. Okona slowly subsides and stares back at Data. OKONA Don't you get it? DATA Get what? OKONA The punch line... The gag... That was a joke I told you. DATA I still do not understand. OKONA You don't know what a joke is? DATA Of course I do. (as he computes) A joke is an antic, a caper, mischief, prank, trick, quip, witticism. OKONA (overlapping) That's the dictionary meaning. I'm talking about humor, fun. (beat) Do you know what "funny" is? Data gives him a bewildered look. Okona gives up, points to one of the doors. OKONA Is that C-nine-two-nine? DATA The room to the left. Why? Okona smiles, shrugs.. OKONA You probably wouldn't understand that either... Okona presses the entry button on the specific door. It slides open to disclose: STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT ONE 19. 24 CLOSER ANGLE The attractive and very sensuous B.G. Robinson who has obviously been expecting his arrival. She returns Okona's smile and steps away from the door to allow him in. The door slides shut behind him. 25 ON DATA His totally confused expression. FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT TWO 20. ACT TWO FADE IN: 26 EXT. SPACE - THE ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) against the background of serenity and stars. 27 INT. MAIN ENGINEERING Riker looks over the shoulder of Wesley and Geordi, and they check and test the contacts of the malfunctioning Okona apparatus. RIKER What's the status of the repair? GEORDI On schedule. The difficulty is Okona has to be able to repair this part himself next time. WESLEY Commander, do you know much about him? RIKER Just that he's an interesting man. WESLEY He's a lot more than that. He's a capable engineer. GEORDI In a practical sense he's excellent. WESLEY We've seen him handle his ship, and he certainly knows how to handle people. RIKER Everything you say is true. WESLEY Then why is he what he is? STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT TWO 21. 27 CONTINUED: RIKER Why is he operating a cargo route alone rather than being a member of a large organization like we are? WESLEY Yes, that's it. RIKER I would say because he chooses to do exactly what he does. WESLEY A cargo master? RIKER (mimics the tone) An ensign in Engineering? Wesley holds Riker's look, then smiles and nods his understanding. Riker softens a bit. RIKER (continuing) His choice. Someday you'll make yours. WESLEY I already have. Riker nods. 28 INT. TEN-FORWARD (OPTICAL) The stars in space zoom past the observation windows which span the front of the lounge. Some n.d. crewmembers are at the small tables at the bar. Data is in conversation with GUINAN who is quite patient but about to become brutally honest with him. It is obvious that the conversation has been going on for some time. GUINAN Okona is right. DATA You agree that I am missing a very important human factor. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT TWO 22. 28 CONTINUED: GUINAN All I said was I agree with Okona that you never smile or laugh. At least I've never seen you do it. (beat) Do you? Ever? DATA I never knew I had to. GUINAN It's not a "had to." Even Captain Picard can't order you to be happy. DATA But I am not unhappy. I just do not seem to break out in laughter with everyone else when Okona says certain things. GUINAN You mean when he tells a joke. (understanding now) That's it, isn't it? You don't have any idea what a joke is. DATA (defensive) Of course I do. (his computer kicks in) It is a witticism, a gag, a bon mot, a fluctuation of words which concludes with "trick" ending, it is... GUINAN (overlapping) Whoa, slow down. Now Data, there's just you and me here and nobody is going to know what we talked about. My job here places me under some obligations, like a vow of secrecy. I can't repeat anything I hear or see. Now the obligation of the patron is to tell the truth, otherwise I'm being placed under a commitment to keep a secret about "nothing." That's not fair. It's called wasted honor. You understand? STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT TWO 23. 28 CONTINUED: (2) DATA (stolid beat) I understand better than you think. You just told me a joke and I am not laughing. GUINAN (disappointed) I can see that. DATA Maybe it was not funny. GUINAN It was funny. DATA How can you be sure? GUINAN I've used it before. Everybody else at least smiles. It's you, Data. DATA I agree. Now what do I do about it? GUINAN When most people have trouble, they look to a more intelligent and learned being for assistance. (thoughtful beat) In your case, I'd suggest you go to a bigger computer. That Data understands. He nods his acceptance, moves off. 29 INT. CORRIDOR - OUTSIDE HOLODECK Data is accessing the Holodeck panel. The panel lights array themselves and the VOICE of the Holodeck COMPUTER assists Data in locating his choices. DATA I wish to learn about jokes... STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT TWO 24. 29 CONTINUED: COMPUTER VOICE There are books, films, and tapes. But the only animate object would be a comedian. DATA Show me one of those. COMPUTER VOICE Specify type, please. DATA Humanoid. One who is able to understand and tell a joke. COMPUTER VOICE Physical or cerebral style. DATA Show me both. COMPUTER VOICE I will access a list. A LIST FLASHES ON THE SCREEN that only Data would be able to read. He answers unknowingly and randomly. DATA That one. RW nine, three, two, one, six -- twentieth century. COMPUTER VOICE Program installation complete, you may enter. Data steps in front of the door. It slides open. 30 ANGLE THROUGH DOORS The frozen IMAGE of a COMEDIAN popular today stands on a small stage in the center of a spotlight. Data enters. 31 INT. HOLODECK The image comes to life. The Comic takes a bow and announces. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT TWO 25. 31 CONTINUED: THE COMIC Thank you ladies and gentlemen. And thank you for bringing me here. DATA I want to know what is funny. The Comic steps off the stage and takes a seat next to Data. He stares at the blank open expression on Data's face and realizes that he's in for it. THE COMIC Things that make you laugh are funny? DATA Nothing makes me laugh, but I still want to do it. THE COMIC How much time do we have? DATA Time has no meaning in this instance. It could be endless. THE COMIC I think we're going to need it all. DATA I assure you, I am completely trainable and capable of indoctrination. Show me what is funny. THE COMIC Okay, try this. The Comic distorts his face and posture, does a piece of "business," a comical imitation, using his clothes, motion, perhaps a prop. He glances over to Data, who stands motionless and passive. THE COMIC Well? DATA That is considered funny? STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT TWO 26. 31 CONTINUED: (2) THE COMIC It was till a few seconds ago. DATA You mean if you twist your face, bend over at the waist, mess up your hair, and cross your eyes it is a pretense that would be funny. THE COMIC (uncomfortable) I have to admit it's a little ridiculous, but that's part of being funny. Clowns are ridiculous, but they make people laugh. Now try it. Data makes a couple of vain efforts to twist himself and imitate the imitator. His attempts are clumsy, inept, and bring a troubled look to the Comic's face. THE COMIC (continuing) Can you juggle, whistle, sing? Data shakes his head. THE COMIC (continuing) How about write or paint? I have a house that needs painting. It's hard work, but at least you don't have to be funny. Just a strong wrist, a good eye, and an affection for watching water base off-white dry slowly. The Comic laughs at his own humor. Data's sterile look causes the Comic to grimace. DATA I can do everything else that I want to do. I just want to know what is funny. I want to be able to involve myself in other people's laughter. (quieter beat) I want to "join in." The Comic eyes Data, understanding and sympathizing with his dilemma. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT TWO 27. 31 CONTINUED: (3) THE COMIC We'll try. You have to remember your "body English" and gestures. (beat) Now you're going to learn some jokes. DATA Proceed. THE COMIC We'll start with some standards... This traveling salesman... DATA Access faster... 32 ON THE COMIC (OPTICAL) As he goes through his routine of jokes, CAMERA SKIP FRAMES to: THE COMIC ... comes up to his farmhouse and... DATA Faster. Move to maximum speed. We SPEED UP FRAMES until the Comic is MOVING AT EIGHT FRAMES PER and the DIALOGUE SOUNDS LIKE CHIPMUNK GIBBERISH. HOLD on this for a few beats. 33 ON DATA His eyes blinking in the information at the same speed... Then: 34 INT. TEN-FORWARD Data is facing Guinan. He speaks in his usual monotone. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT TWO 28. 34 CONTINUED: DATA This gentleman went to see his surgeon and was informed that he needed an operation. The man thought about that and then said, "I would like a second opinion." The doctor said, "Okay, you are ugly too." Data immediately asks Guinan for her recognition. DATA (continuing) Was I funny? GUINAN That joke has been funny for over four hundred years. (sad beat) We'll now have a minute's silence for its passing. DATA I was not funny... GUINAN Forget it. Try another joke. Data sets himself in a predetermined position and starts. DATA Who was that woman I saw you with? Guinan flinches in expectation but is saved as the voice of Picard is heard over the loudspeakers. PICARD'S COM VOICE (filtered) Lieutenant Commander Data, report to the Main Bridge immediately. I repeat, report to the Main Bridge immediately. Data moves quickly to the turbolift. As he moves, he informs Guinan: DATA I will be back. GUINAN (hopeless) Bring new jokes... STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT TWO 29. 35 INT. MAIN BRIDGE There is a controlled urgency in the conduct of the bridge as Data enters from the turbolift and moves directly to his station in Ops. Wesley is already in place at Conn and whispers over to Data immediately: WESLEY We have an "unidentified" in Sector four. Data immediately focuses his attention on his necessary functions. All stations are covered. Riker and Troi bracket Picard. PULASKI will also appear on the bridge during this scene. Worf announces from his Tactical Station: WORF Unidentified craft Sector four to Sector four two six one. Overtaking us, no response to our hailing. PICARD Open hailing frequencies in all languages and on all channels. WORF Hailing frequencies open. No response. DATA Sensors report a minimum range combat craft of the Squadron Class, twenty-six crew. WORF (overlap) Captain, they have locked phasers. PICARD (somewhat puzzled) Phasers? RIKER (same look) Regulations call for a Yellow Alert. PICARD It's too small of a craft to be of any threat to us. Do you agree, Lieutenant Worf? STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT TWO 30. 35 CONTINUED: WORF We could blow it out of space before it could scratch our hull. PICARD And I doubt that they are so primitive that they wouldn't know it. Ensign Crusher, reduce speed to allow them to overtake. RIKER May I ask why, sir? PICARD They show a great deal of courage. Perhaps I would like to show them some respect, or perhaps I'm just curious. RIKER I understand, Captain. Would a "courteous" Yellow Alert apply at this time? PICARD (covers a smile) That won't be necessary, Number One. But continue to hail them and prepare for a gentlemanly surrender if needed. The reactions of the crew, especially the pained expression of Worf. FADE OUT. END OF ACT TWO STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT THREE 31. ACT THREE FADE IN: 36 EXT. SPACE - THE ENTERPRISE / THE ERSTWHILE (OPTICAL) Okona's ship in tow. Another spacecraft even smaller and more outdated than Okona's approaches. In scale it looks like a P.T. Boat pulling next to the USS Missouri. 37 INT. MAIN BRIDGE The business on the bridge continues in a relaxed, but expectant manner. WORF Still no response to our hail. 38 ON CREWMEMBERS A few beats, then Data informs them: DATA The "stranger" vessel has slowed and is holding its position. WORF Captain, we are being hailed. PICARD On screen. 39 ANGLE ON MAIN VIEWER - INTERCUT AS NEEDED (OPTICAL) There are a few tense beats, then the face of DEBIN slowly MATERIALIZES on the screen. He is a middle-aged humanoid (perhaps one distinguishing factor to designate him as different). We see a small passenger area, rather than a large bridge. DEBIN I am Debin of the planet Atlec. PICARD I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise... What is the reason for this aggressive approach? STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT THREE 32. 39 CONTINUED: DEBIN You are towing a spacecraft of a known criminal. PICARD It was in need of emergency repairs. It was our obligation to assist. DEBIN You have a man by the name of Okona aboard. (harsher beat) I want him. There are some reactions through the main cabin. PICARD On what authority? Debin reacts to this with a tumultuous roar. He explodes his response. DEBIN He is guilty of crimes committed on the planet Atlec. I expect him to be turned over to my authority immediately. PICARD What crimes? DEBIN That is neither important or necessary. I want Okona now! Before Picard can respond. WESLEY Captain, we have another Class four armed spacecraft approaching, from the opposite sector... PICARD Another ship from Atlec? DATA Similar in specifications and capabilities, but a variation in markings and hailing language. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT THREE 33. 39 CONTINUED: (2) PICARD (to Debin) Hold your position, Mister Debin. (to Data) Cut off Main Screen. The viewscreen goes blank. PICARD (continuing) Identify approaching craft. DATA Sensors indicate it to be a security vessel from the planet Straleb. WORF We could swat both mosquitoes easily. Picard gives him a quieting, yet understanding look. PICARD Open hailing frequencies. WORF Hailing frequencies open. Some beats, then: WORF (continuing) They are returning our hail on the proper channel. PICARD On screen. 40 MAIN VIEWER - INTERCUT AS NEEDED (OPTICAL) The screen fills with the picture of another ship's cockpit area, which is a much smaller variation of a bridge. Humanoid personnel pilot the craft. (There could be a characteristic that would also mark them as an individual race and also slightly different than the Atlec race.) KUSHELL, older and more forceful than his younger better-looking companion BENZAN, steps into focus.. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT THREE 34. 40 CONTINUED: KUSHELL I am Secretary Kushell from the Legation of Unity of the planet Straleb. PICARD I am Captain Picard. KUSHELL (overlapping) We know who you are, Captain Picard. We have been monitoring your communications and we know of the demands made by Debin of the planet Atlec. PICARD Then you know that we intend no hostile interaction with either of you. KUSHELL You only have to concede to one demand. PICARD The word "demand" has the tone of finality. KUSHELL It is a word I have chosen. (beat) We demand you turn Okona over to us immediately. Picard covers his reactions. PICARD (to Wesley) Mute the Main Viewer. (to Worf) Lieutenant Worf, Mister Okona to the Main Bridge immediately. WORF Yes sir. PICARD Engage the screen. (to Kushell) The same "demand" has been made by the Atlec legation. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT THREE 35. 40 CONTINUED: (2) KUSHELL I have no interest in their request. We intend to back up our legal right to Okona. PICARD (knowing) I'd rather you didn't escalate this situation any further. Benzan tries to guide the older man away from the viewscreen. Kushell pulls away from his grasp. KUSHELL You're my son. You obey orders, you do not interfere with them. (to Picard, enraged) We are prepared to take Okona by force if we have to. The honor and prestige of this nation are at stake. (beat) We are ready to die for that. PICARD We do not intend for that to be at our hand. I will respond to your request shortly -- (then:) Main Viewer off. 41 INT. CORRIDOR Worf and TWO SECURITY OFFICERS move through the corridor. 42 ANGLE ON DOOR It slides open to disclose a smiling Okona who is just buttoning up his shirt and preparing to exit. A well-endowed FEMALE CREWMEMBER (not B.G. Robinson) bids him an affectionate farewell. The kiss becomes extended and passion builds again, until interrupted by Worf. WORF (to Okona) I have orders to escort you to the Main Bridge immediately. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT THREE 36. 42 CONTINUED: OKONA I'm sure it can wait a few minutes. WORF Now!! 43 CLOSER ANGLE Worf steps face to face with Okona and sets himself. Okona tightens and seems to coil just a bit in preparation. The two of them face in a stand-off understanding each other. Worf accepts the challenge and declines it at the same time. WORF I'd like that, but I have orders. OKONA (nods) Some other time then. The tension is ended. Worf motions to the security officers. They step on either side of Okona and leave him no choice but to step away from his embrace. He offers her a joking farewell as he is led away. OKONA (continuing) Just remember, it took three armed men to rip me from your arms. 44 INT. CORRIDOR - MOVING SHOT Okona keeps pace with Worf as they enter the turbolift. OKONA Am I going to meet Captain Picard? Worf eyes him a beat, then a grunting laugh. WORF Definitely. OKONA Did I say something funny? The doors slide shut. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT THREE 37. 45 INT. MAIN BRIDGE The turbolift door opens and Okona is escorted towards the captain. Worf introduces. WORF Captain Picard, this is Thadiun Okona. Okona steps forward, extends his hand, and prepares himself for his normal overpowering greeting. 46 ON PICARD He swings around in his chair and holds Okona away with his hard-probing look. The rest of the room waits. Picard controls, points to the captain's Ready Room. PICARD In there... We'll talk in there... Picard gets up and leads the way. The doors slide open and they enter. The crew eyes each other. 47 INT. CAPTAIN'S READY ROOM Picard turns directly to Okona. His anger is apparent. PICARD Mister Okona, you were welcomed on board and given the security of this ship openly and without any undue investigation. In turn the only obligation we placed you under was that you do not come aboard the Enterprise under false pretenses. It seems that you did. OKONA If you mean my "socializing" with the members of the crew? PICARD No, you are free to interact with the members of the crew. First, I'm talking about a man named Debin. Are you familiar with him? STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT THREE 38. 48 SCENE Okona becomes somewhat wary, but still faces Picard with no fear or nervousness showing. OKONA He's from Atlec. I've had dealings with some of his family. PICARD Then perhaps you can explain why his spacecraft is prepared to attack us unless we give him custody of you. OKONA I can't explain. PICARD Then tell me why Kushell of the planet Straleb is demanding the same thing? OKONA Is he here also? PICARD And quite adamant. Now answer please. What crimes have you committed? OKONA I am not a criminal. PICARD Why do these men want you? OKONA I can't say. PICARD You will say. You're on my ship. OKONA (serious now) It wouldn't be the honorable thing to do. I may be many less than auspicious things, but I am a gentleman. I won't break that code. PICARD They are prepared to attack the Enterprise. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT THREE 39. 48 CONTINUED: OKONA (reacts) That would be crazy. They wouldn't stand a chance... PICARD Exactly. (studies Okona) Then perhaps you could give me some reasons as to why I should consider destroying these people to save you? 49 CLOSER For the first time Okona is at a loss for words. OKONA I can't think of any right now. PICARD Neither can I. Picard turns and exits the Ready Room... FADE OUT. END OF ACT THREE STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FOUR 40. ACT FOUR FADE IN: 50 EXT. SPACE - THE ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) facing the two tiny and less formidable looking ships. The Erstwhile still in tow and even smaller. 51 INT. MAIN BRIDGE Picard regards Okona, still is in a no-nonsense mood. Picard turns back to the Main Viewer PICARD Put Debin on screen. 52 MAIN VIEWER (OPTICAL) The Main Bridge of the Debin craft appears on screen. Debin standing there gets right down to business. DEBIN Have you made your decision yet, Captain? PICARD No. You've made your requests but you haven't told me why. DEBIN It's a personal matter. PICARD I'm afraid that's not good enough. Debin visibly explodes. His rage balloons. DEBIN Not good enough?? You're forcing me to embarrass my family by demanding reasons. Debin steps off screen for a beat, then returns with a young tearful woman named YANAR. She is very beautiful and also very pregnant. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FOUR 41. 53 INT. MAIN BRIDGE All heads turn from the Main Viewer to Okona who attempts to look innocent and therefore looks even more guilty. DEBIN It was Okona... He's been bringing Yanar gifts, flowers, and even poetry for the past five months. He took advantage. Then he left her like this. I want him. Picard feels uncomfortable, but now understands Debin's emotions. PICARD I do sympathize with you. If you will allow me just a little more time. DEBIN (not to be put off) Why, so you can turn him over to Kushell? You do that and I'll blow his ship away and Okona with it. 54 ON MAIN VIEWER (OPTICAL) Kushell suddenly appears on a SPLIT SCREEN and yells back at Debin. KUSHELL You'll be dust before you aim your first missile. I have a perfect right to Okona. He's a thief. He stole the Jewel of Thesia. A national heritage. DEBIN (yelling back) A "thing." An "item." My case involves the victimization of a human form. My daughter. Okona steps nearer to Picard and can now obviously be seen by the "split screen" characters. They visibly react. DEBIN (continuing) That's him!! I'll have him now. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FOUR 42. 54 CONTINUED: KUSHELL He's mine. OKONA One at a time. Who accuses me of stealing? KUSHELL I do, you thief. Me and my son, Benzan. Okona was my son's friend. He took advantage of that friendship to plunder a national treasure. Benzan is standing next to his father silently. We hear some ad lib yelling in the b.g. as Debin responds to Kushell. Picard signals to mute the sound on the screen. (Kushell and Debin will continue their silent argument.) Picard turns to Okona. PICARD What do you have to say about that Okona? OKONA Nothing right now. Let them do all the talking. Picard pauses for a moment. Then interrupts the arguing between Debin and Kushell. PICARD Gentlemen if you please! Debin and Kushell quiet down. PICARD (continuing) You will get my decision as soon as I can confer with my advisors and in the interest of maintaining peace I am jamming communications between your two ships. Picard out. Before either of the two fathers can answer the screen goes blank. Picard swings from his control chair. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FOUR 43. 54 CONTINUED: (2) PICARD Okona, Doctor, Counselor, Lieutenant Worf, Geordi, the conference room if you please. Have Doctor Pulaski join us... The Observation Lounge door slides open and the group files in. 55 INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE They take seats around the table. Okona takes the opportunity to move to the food slot and concoct a healthy snack. PULASKI Dishonesty, lust, and now hunger. You really are extremely basic Mister Okona. OKONA Last meals always taste the best and hunger won't make me a better person. PULASKI That's probably true. TROI Neither one of the allegations is considered a capital crime. OKONA I'll never reach either of those planets alive. They have lost too much face over these incidents. PICARD And yet it provides the possibility of even more violence. OKONA You're not afraid of those two or what they can do to you. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FOUR 44. 55 CONTINUED: PICARD It's what I may have to do to them that concerns me. If I turn you over to Debin, I will have to deal with Kushell. If you go to Kushell, I will have Debin to administer to. Or perhaps both of them would decide to attack us. Fatalities could be total. OKONA I hate to have to be the one to say this, but you don't owe me anything. PICARD I'm well aware of that, but it doesn't change anything. (beat) Are you innocent, Thadiun Okona? Okona can't resist the glib one liner and the smile. OKONA Innocent? Absolutely not, Captain Picard. I'll make no excuses for my lifestyle. (beat) But I have not committed the crimes that I've been accused of or any others similar. Okona turns to give Troi a questioning look. Troi nods to Picard that he's telling the truth. PICARD Then my predicament is confirmed. OKONA In that case, Captain, I can't make it any easier on you. PICARD (reacts) Apparently you've never been concerned about making it easier on anyone... There are two men out there who do not consider this a joke and are willing to face death as a matter of honor. They should be respected, not laughed at. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FOUR 45. 55 CONTINUED: (2) OKONA You seemed to have reached a decision about me, Captain. PICARD Only about what I think you are. What to do about it is still a problem. OKONA I'll help you with it. (beat) Stall Debin and Kushell. Give me enough time to get the guidance system re-installed and I'll go on my own. RIKER Their ships are bigger and faster than yours. OKONA You'll still be able to warp away and I'll take care of myself. PULASKI How will you get away? OKONA (smile) I'll dazzle them with my brilliance and dexterity. PICARD (beat) I don't like it. OKONA You have very little choice. PICARD (a few beats) I know. It will be impossible to stall very long. OKONA "Just long enough" is all I need... PULASKI What are you going to say to Debin and Kushell? STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FOUR 46. 55 CONTINUED: (3) PICARD (shrugging) Anything I have to. OKONA Now you're starting to sound like me, Captain. PICARD Heaven forbid. Okona holds Picard's look for a beat, nods, turns and enters the turbolift... Picard moves to the door to the Main bridge. The doors slide open. Picard, Riker et al walk through. 56 INT. MAIN BRIDGE Picard moves to the command chair; Riker next to him. Picard takes a breath. PICARD Engage Main Viewer. Screen -- the spilt screen of Debin and Kushell. PICARD (continuing) Ah, gentlemen... If you'll just bear with me, I have a few questions. 57 INT. MAIN ENGINEERING Geordi and Wesley are still working on the Okona mechanism. Okona looks over their shoulders, admires it. Okona seems distracted, his mind somewhere else, his conversation not up to its usual pace and humor. OKONA Looks like an excellent job. You're quite a craftsman Lieutenant La Forge. How soon will it be finished? GEORDI What's the rush? I thought you liked it here. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FOUR 47. 57 CONTINUED: OKONA I did. It stopped liking me. Time for me to disappear. WESLEY Where will you go? OKONA A new place, if I make it. WESLEY Don't you ever stay anywhere? Okona snaps out of his mood a little, eyes Wesley. OKONA Not for a long time. WESLEY I know that's the way you want to be and it is your choice, but I don't understand. You like people. Why do you want to be alone all the time? 58 ON OKONA He keeps his gaze on Wesley as his mind works. Geordi interrupts, holds out the new part. GEORDI It's ready. You should be able to install this in less than five minutes. Okona turns his look to Geordi, nods, but makes no move to take the part from him. OKONA Like you said Geordi, what's the rush? (moving) I have some friends around here. Okona moves off. Geordi and Wesley exchange looks. FADE OUT. END OF ACT FOUR STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FIVE 48. ACT FIVE FADE IN: 59 EXT. SPACE - ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) The smaller cargo ship Erstwhile is still in tow. The position of the Debin and Kushell vessels, the same... 60 INT. MAIN BRIDGE (OPTICAL) All stations are manned. Okona enters from the turbolift and waits there as Picard motions to him. Picard turns back to the screen. PICARD One moment please, gentlemen. Screen off. Picard turns to Okona. PICARD I've used every pretext I could think of. The result is they've aimed their full ordinance at us and are prepared to attack. I can't delay any longer. OKONA I'm not leaving. PICARD (reacts) We've gone over this before. I thought you made a decision. OKONA Don't worry, I'm not staying either. (long beat) I've decided to surrender myself to one of them. Reactions around the bridge... RIKER Which one? OKONA (laughs) Put them on screen and place your bets. The odds are two to one... STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FIVE 49. 60 CONTINUED: Riker glances over to Picard. PICARD On screen. 61 MAIN VIEWER - SPLIT SCREEN (INTERCUT AS NEEDED) The images of Debin and Yanar on one half, Kushell and Benzan on the other. KUSHELL It took long enough. Now when can I have Okona? DEBIN I registered my complaint before you. I have first recourse. KUSHELL Do not delay your decision again. I'm warning you not to do that, Captain Picard. PICARD Yes, both of you are most adept at issuing warnings. (beat) Mister Okona has volunteered to deal with this himself. Okona steps forward to face the screen and also be seen by all parties. Kushell and Debin are animated, Benzan and the pregnant girl more subdued, waiting. OKONA I'll speak my piece before I walk to your gallows. As I said before I am not a thief. I am also not a character of exceptional good name and reputation; so, as I never chose to become a thief, I have never chosen to become a father either. (long beat) Given the choice between the two I must say that marriage to the beautiful and affectionate Yanar is a much more pleasant sentence. (MORE) STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FIVE 50. 61 CONTINUED: OKONA (Cont'd) (pause) So my dear Yanar, if you would do me the honor of becoming my wife I will do everything in my power to make our marriage happy and fruitful. There is a shocked silence on both the Main Bridge and the split screen. Varying emotions start to build. BENZAN No! He can't! HUSHELL My son is right. Okona will not escape me that way. BENZAN No, that's not what I mean. DEBIN Send him to me. I'll decide his fate. Yanar steps to the forefront. YANAR Why should you decide? Why don't I? Since everybody knows Okona is the father of this child, why should we not allow him to take his rightful place? (firmly) I accept. BENZAN You can't accept! KUSHELL That's right. Okona is still a thief. BENZAN No he's not. Nothing was stolen. KUSHELL The Jewel of Thesia! BENZAN It was not stolen by my friend Okona. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FIVE 51. 61 CONTINUED: (2) KUSHELL Then where is it? BENZAN You could say it was taken into "custody" by the rightful heir, me. Picard looks over at Okona who eyes Benzan with a look of pride. 62 VARIOUS CUTS AND ANGLES (OPTICAL) as Debin and Kushell gain knowledge of the incidents involved in both the theft and pregnancy. Kushell is stunned, Debin glad to have it all settled. Benzan is making his statement of fact; Yanar, not pleased at the way it is all coming down. Okona, trying to make them tell the facts; and, Picard, watching the scene unravel to Okona's hopeful design and finding himself becoming involved in the event and starting to appreciate him a little. PICARD (to Okona) Benzan has a certain flair for the language that is similar to yours. OKONA A little bit of me might have rubbed off on the boy. I didn't think he would let me hang. PICARD You placed great faith in him. OKONA He's a friend... Debin feels the whole thing is settled. He announces. KUSHELL (to Benzan) Why would you steal what would eventually become yours? STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FIVE 52. 62 CONTINUED: BENZAN To present it to Yanar as my vow of marriage. (beat) Yanar is carrying my child. KUSHELL (stunned) Yanar said it was Okona's. DEBIN (to Yanar) You were with both these men? YANAR No, but that's not what is important now. What is important is who I marry. BENZAN You'll marry me. YANAR Why should I? BENZAN Because I love you. YANAR You waited this long to say that? You almost allowed Okona to be punished, now suddenly you wish to marry me? BENZAN I sent the Jewel of Thesia to you with Okona to declare us man and wife. The politics of our fathers would have been settled later. KUSHELL So Okona does have the jewel. BENZAN I ordered him to deliver it! YANAR And waited a little too long to do that also. I won't marry you, Benzan. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FIVE 53. 62 CONTINUED: (2) DEBIN Then you'll marry Okona. YANAR (screams) I won't marry anyone! Okona steps forward to the Main Viewer and speaks seriously and with great feeling... OKONA Don't Yanar. You're angry about the embarrassment of all this and maybe the timing and approach is not the most romantic, but I know you love Benzan and I don't want to see you throw away that feeling because we adults do not know how to behave properly. YANAR If Benzan could speak with the same integrity as you do, maybe it would be different. OKONA I carried your messages back and forth for almost six months. I smuggled each of you into the other's homeland. You feel for him the same way he feels for you. (frustrated beat) So for heaven's sake girl, you have to marry the boy because I've finally run out of words. RIKER I don't believe that. DATA It is mathematically possible. PICARD Okona defies even the science of mathematics. Okona laughs. Data asks Riker. DATA Was that funny? Riker doesn't answer. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FIVE 54. 62 CONTINUED: (3) YANAR (a few beats, then:) I do love him. PICARD (caught up in it) Then tell him. Okona and the crew look over to Picard who is just as surprised at himself. YANAR I'll marry Benzan. It is his child. (beat) It's our child. KUSHELL (softer) Then I'll have to withdraw my charges of theft. By our law Benzan must present the jewel to his wife. BENZAN I'll be coming for you shortly Yanar. We'll find a new planet to live on. KUSHELL You'll live on Straleb. DEBIN No! You'll live here! PICARD Gentlemen, this is a matter to be settled between yourselves. I have only two words for both of you. (long beat) Picard out. Picard signals for the transmission to end and the screen goes blank. 63 INT. MAIN BRIDGE There is a momentary silence as the crew lets its breath out. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FIVE 55. 63 CONTINUED: PICARD (to Riker) Take over, Will. Mister Okona and I are going to drink a toast to the newlyweds. Okona smiles, nods, moves off with Picard. As they pass other members of the crew, various comments can be heard. TROI Weddings bring out emotions in me that I never could quite understand. I get so sentimental. PULASKI Perhaps it's the way they drape the flowers over the shotgun that makes you cry. WORF We could have destroyed both crafts without even using our photon torpedoes. They were totally vulnerable. GEORDI (patiently) Maybe next time, Worf. Maybe next time. Data heads past them into the turbolift. The doors close behind him. 64 INT. CORRIDOR - OUTSIDE HOLODECK Data engages the panel of controls. Guinan is a semi-reluctant conspirator. DATA I wish to reinstate the same program. GUINAN (whisper) Maybe with some new material. The Holodeck control panel goes through its routine, then signals it is ready. The doors open. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FIVE 56. 65 NEW ANGLE INTO HOLODECK ROOM The Comic sitting FREEZE FRAME as Data had left him. Data steps inside and the Comic comes to life. Data immediately gets down to business. DATA We will continue. THE COMIC What, no warm up? DATA I told a joke. THE COMIC And? DATA No one laughed. THE COMIC No one? Nobody? GUINAN Me, I'm "no one" and "nobody." It wasn't funny. DATA She said I "killed" the joke. THE COMIC (beat) It's always hard to deal with a solo person. You need a crowd. Laughter is contagious. GUINAN A lot of things are contagious. Most of them aren't funny either. DATA Perhaps he is right. An audience could be the difference. (to Holodeck) Holodeck, give me an audience. 66 ON DATA He glances over to Guinan for support. She tries to give it to him with a weak nod. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FIVE 57. 67 NEW ANGLE A SPOTLIGHT beam glares onto a small stage and the Comic steps up for the intro. 68 REVERSE There is a small, dark, smoke-filled New York style nightclub with various n.d. audience sitting at dime-sized tables. 69 ANGLE ON STAGE The SPOTLIGHT glares on and the Comic steps onto the stage for the intro. Guinan stands off to the side at what could be considered the wings. THE COMIC And now folks from his record breaking tour of Straleb and Atlec I bring you the funny man of the stars, that comet comedian, the sensation of the solar system, ... DATA! The Comic backs off the stage to stand next to Guinan and a tuxedo garbed (jacket and tie only) Data enters into the beam of light with an impassive look on his face and a monotone delivery which is accentuated occasionally by the off time waving of one or both of his arms. He keeps adjusting the bow tie, Rodney Dangerfield style. DATA Good evening ladies and "germs." The audience sounds of laughter and applause. 70 AROUND THE HOLODECK NIGHTCLUB - INTERCUT AS NEEDED The audience laughs at every move and word. Data continues at first confident and then becoming puzzled... DATA You know I come from a town so small it had a fraction for a zip code. Laughter. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FIVE 58. 70 CONTINUED: DATA (continuing) ... It was so small in fact that it didn't have a Godfather of Crime... it had a Nephew.. Guinan gives the Comic a whimsical look. GUINAN You sure you made a living doing this? DATA I was so ugly as a child they hung a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me. Then there was the gene bank where they crossed a lion and a parrot. They weren't sure what they got but when it spoke, they listened. Data looks around. His voice is almost a whisper now. DATA (continuing) Or the human cannonball that was hired and fired in the same night. 71 ON DATA He stares down at the audience, still unsure as to what they are laughing at. He moves his right hand. 72 THE AUDIENCE Bellows out its response. 73 DATA Aware now. He lifts his other arm. 74 THE AUDIENCE responds with an uproar. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FIVE 59. 75 DATA moves one finger... The response... He realizes now, glances over to Guinan who offers him a sympathetic look. Then he announces, as he steps off stage: DATA Holodeck off. The stage lights and nightclub disappear. Data and Guinan are alone in the Holodeck room. They eye each other. DATA (continuing) It was a Holodeck audience. They were programmed to laugh at anything... GUINAN Never mind that. Let me tell you one about the traveling salesman. DATA I have heard it... (beat) I have heard them all. Data and Guinan walk out of the Holodeck... 76 INT. MAIN BRIDGE (OPTICAL) The full staff is present as they go through the procedures of disconnecting Okona's craft from the tractor link. Okona is on the Main Viewer. RIKER Hold the speed, Captain Okona. We'll disengage at my command. (beat) Disengage. WESLEY Separated. OKONA I'm under my own power. Thank you, Enterprise. Thank you, Captain Picard. PICARD I think it turned out to be "my pleasure," Mister Okona. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FIVE 60. 76 CONTINUED: OKONA You've got a bizarre sense of humor, Captain. PICARD Stretched to the limit with you, but thankfully still present. I think I might miss your presence, but I would like it to remain a fond memory. OKONA Well put Captain Picard, and good-bye sir. PICARD Good-bye Captain Okona. OKONA What about you Data? You can say good-bye, Data. Data is caught unprepared; his computer mind blinks in and he responds quickly. DATA "Good-bye Data." First a titter of laughter, then building to a louder sound. Data looks around the bridge in pleased surprise. He looks towards Picard. DATA Was I funny? Picard smiles at him, nods. Data looks up at the Main Viewer. 77 MAIN VIEWER (OPTICAL) Okona gives Data the thumbs up sign. 78 EXT. SPACE - ENTERPRISE (OPTICAL) as it turns to the stars. DATA (O.S.) And there is the one about the girl in the nudist colony that nothing looked good on. STAR TREK: "The Outrageous Okona" - 10/4/88 - ACT FIVE 61. 78 CONTINUED: RIKER (O.S.) Warp speed Captain? PICARD (O.S.) Please... The Enterprise warps out. FADE OUT. END OF ACT FIVE THE END